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Chapter 18 : OUT-OF-DATE DISCOMFORT
Let us examine the topic of discomfort first of all. To do so, let us use the model of Peter and the stove one more time. Let us say that we have adult Peter with the kitchen response, as explained. There will be two basic scenarios for Peter. In scenario number one, Peter has the uncomfortable kitchen response but nevertheless continues to go into the kitchen. Every time that he goes into the kitchen, the kitchen button gets pushed and he gets a boost of discomfort within his system. We have a threshold phenomenon. So long as our discomfort stays below a certain threshold it is all right. We can handle it. Past that threshold we do not like it and try to do something in order to get once again below that threshold. Typically when we cross that threshold we use avoidance or coping mechanisms.
Let us say that when Peter goes into the kitchen his kitchen button gets pushed which turns on his uncomfortable kitchen response and he crosses his discomfort threshold. In this scenario he is not going to avoid the situation, he is going to stay in the kitchen. Therefore, what he will do is develop a coping mechanism to bring his discomfort below his critical discomfort threshold again.
Let us say that Peter discovers that if he just has a cigarette before he goes into the kitchen, while he is in the kitchen, after he has been in the kitchen, or a combination of the above, it just helps him to get below that threshold and feel comfortable enough that he can manage within it.
So, in scenario number one, Peter continues to go into the kitchen and copes with his uncomfortable kitchen response by smoking cigarettes.
In scenario number two, Peter refuses to go into the kitchen. He simply cannot tolerate how he feels there and so avoids that situation. Let us say that he is married and has children. Let us say that his wife and children love to eat in the kitchen. In fact, the kitchen is their favorite place to eat. This particular evening they have decided to have their evening meal in the kitchen. Peter can have his meal wherever he wishes but, they want to, in fact, they are having their meal in the kitchen.
So there they are having their meal in the kitchen while Peter is eating his all by himself in the dining room. Although they are enjoying themselves, Peter is not. He is miserable, angry, sad, or uncomfortable in some other way. Once again, Peter may be so uncomfortable that he has crossed his discomfort threshold and is calming himself down by smoking cigarettes.
The discomfort that he is experiencing is not coming from some old experience however. This discomfort is coming from the present. This is brand new discomfort and, interestingly, in this case the kitchen button has not even been pushed. Peter has not even gone into the kitchen and so the response has not even been turned on. By avoiding the situation in which this out-of-date response would be triggered, Peter ends up living in a smaller universe. He is in a box. Because of the limitations of this universe, Peter is frustrated because he cannot go into the kitchen and is once again coping by smoking.
So, either way the out-of-date response gets you. Whether the button is pushed or avoided, you still typically end up becoming uncomfortable and using some coping mechanism to survive the situation. If Peter were to use Unconscious Updating he would have another option - to change his response. As a result his whole situation would change markedly.
In scenario number one, he would be able to continue to go into the kitchen, but now when he did so and his kitchen button got pushed he would not be getting that same old boost of discomfort in his system. Instead he would continue to feel comfortable and would stay below his discomfort threshold. Therefore, he would not have that old motivation to cope, to smoke in my example. Now he would be comfortable in a kitchen without cigarettes.
In scenario number two, if one assumes that his kitchen response was the only reason that he did not previously join his family in the kitchen, he would now do so. He would now have a comfortable pleasant interaction with them there, and thus the previous reality of him being all by himself and miserable in the dining room would vanish. Similarly, his discomfort is now gone, as is his motivation to cope, to smoke in my example.
Therefore, when you update the response, things start to open up. You become more comfortable in situations, you stop avoiding scenarios that you should be able to handle, thus giving yourself more options in life, and diminishing your interest in coping mechanisms, and thus ridding yourself of their side-effects. You get the ultimate multiple win with no lose attached.
Updating is the obvious best possible strategy because it addresses the problem. Because the problem is the out-of-date response, with Unconscious Updating you are problem solving and not coping. Typically, the individual with an interest in Unconscious Updating is motivated to do so as a means to address discomfort, but different individuals have different presentations.
Sometimes people effectively state, "I have an out-of-date response, a collection of feelings triggered by a cue that does not make sense. I would like to be able to change that response." If such is the case, then essentially all that needs to be done is to explain the method to the individuals, have them begin to use it, and they get the desired results.
Frequently individuals are motivated by a coping mechanism problem. "I want to stop smoking." "I want to stop drinking." "I want to stop eating too much/shopping too much/exercising too much..." Dealing with coping mechanisms is a little more complicated because in this case one has to find the out-of-date responses that are creating the discomfort that is being coped with. Once that response has been updated and the discomfort diminishes then the motivation to cope also disappears.
The third typical presentation is with people who wish to address physical or psychological symptoms. "I'm tired." "I'm depressed." "I have headaches." "I have asthma." "I have stomach aches." There are, of course, many other physical and psychological symptoms that the individuals may suffer from. In this situation, it is necessary to find the out-of-date responses that are directly or indirectly leading to the discomfort that is causing their symptoms in order to change those responses so as to become more comfortable.
As discussed previously, Unconscious Updating is an important component of Rational-Emotional Integrative Updating which is directed to enable an individual to transform itself from its limited and negative present state in order to become its True Positive self. This process of self-transformation begins with the identification of the goal of the process. The goal as previously stated is to become one's True Positive self. The next step in the process is to make a genuine commitment to that goal, to give one's best effort on a daily basis for the rest of one's life to be that individual. The person giving that effort in that direction who is also self-evaluating on a consistent basis will begin to recognize where and when it is falling short of being the individual that it is striving to become.
With this in mind it will realize that in most circumstances what is holding it back from being its True Positive self will be out-of-date responses that are either being triggered or avoided. Therefore, in order to better approximate its desired state of being it is to its great advantage to identify and update these out-of-date responses that are limiting it.
To update a response there are three basic steps. The first step is to identify the out-of-date response. The second step is to make the decision to change the response. The third step in the process is the actual updating of the response, which is the utilization of the technique that I teach individuals.
If you do not identify the response then you will not know what to change. Having said that, a consistent focus on becoming your True Positive self is the most effective way that I am aware of to flush out the responses that are holding you back. Even if you have identified the response, if you do not make a decision to change the response it will not change. The technique that I teach is simply a tool and like any other tool, if not picked up and used it does not do anything.
The individual committed to becoming its True Positive self, upon recognizing that a given response is not consistent with being that individual should not have to take long to decide to change the response. It is for precisely that reason that a front-end commitment to this goal is so important. A genuine commitment greatly accelerates the whole process of change since it enhances the rate of decision-making later on. To repeat what I stated earlier, if you are prepared to accept and live with something, then that is exactly what you will get - or less!
The actual updating technique, which is relatively simple is just a mechanical process to create the change of the response within oneself. When I look back on the individuals that I have worked with, and examine when they did not progress or make meaningful changes, I realize that the problem was virtually never at this technical step. Invariably the factor which prevented them from changing was above all that they did not make the decision to change and thus accepted their limited status. No amount of utilization of the updating technique overcomes this factor.
Therefore, in the evolution of Rational-Emotional Integrative Updating I came to understand that people will go no farther than they dream to. I realized that many of the problems that individuals brought to my office to work on would require extensive internal change. Problems such as depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and addictions, personality disorders, psychosomatic disorders and the like can be effectively cured with this method. However, to accomplish such a cure requires a great deal of transformation and in particular transformation in the direction described earlier in this book.
The individual would have to transform itself into the non-domesticated version of itself that it had typically never been. Since civilization does not require you to regain your wild animal state again and instead actively discourages it, I also came to understand that there exists a tremendous disincentive for the individuals to solve their underlying disorders despite whatever suffering they might endure because of them. To that end, I learned and developed the most efficient means that I am aware of to accomplish the task described with the realization that there already exist enough obstacles holding our species back from becoming what and who we are fundamentally programmed to be by nature. To get out of your cage is a very daunting task requiring tremendous courage and commitment. I did not wish the means to accomplish this objective to encumber those who decided to go for it, and I also did not want an ineffective method to be an easy excuse for those who failed because of lack of commitment.
To dream costs nothing. To commit to one's dreams if those dreams are lofty enough is a heroic act. I came to learn that an individual can make a commitment to a lofty dream at the front end of its personal transformation. I also learned that if confronted in an honest manner by another person who genuinely knew what could and could not be accomplished, it would be able to clarify within itself what its true aspirations were and what goal it would be prepared to commit to.
As part of my personal commitment to become my True Positive self, I understood that I only have limited time and energy during my lifetime. So, in order to maximize my enjoyment and also the return on my personal investment, I decided to seek out those who would be genuinely prepared to truly strive to liberate themselves. I also understood that although we are continuously surrounded by pathetic caged versions of our species, the fact is that we can truly change and become more and more like our wild animal selves. It is a wonderful thing to behold a human animal as it recovers its true identity.
If you are not prepared to address the fundamental problems that exist within you, and as a function of that are unwilling to strive to regain your true nature, then you should not expect to become alive and healthy and truly resolve the types of deep-seated symptoms listed above. I would suggest that if you recognize that you are willing to accept yourself in the domesticated form that you presently are in, then it is only appropriate that you recognize that your symptoms are also part of the same package. If such is the case and if you wish to be more comfortable and stay the way that you are, I would advise you that you are not in reality, and that your only hope in this regard is to find some drug or coping mechanism that will temporarily ease the pain until the process plays itself out to its inevitable destructive conclusion.
However, if you really want to become the person that you can be and as an expression of that have made a genuine commitment to become your True Positive self, the process of Unconscious Updating will be the vehicle to get you there. As you challenge and confront yourself each day to determine where and when you were not feeling and behaving as the True Positive version of you would have, you will begin to be able to identify out-of-date responses that you have that are likely being repeated over and over, which are preventing you from being the person that you can be and having the life that you can have.
You will recognize that in certain situations you have feelings that are being triggered that you do not believe your True Positive self would have had there. In other situations you will recognize that you avoided doing what the True Positive you would have done, and that this avoidance was the result of fear of some response that would have been triggered if you had allowed yourself to do what you should have.
As well, you will recognize certain coping mechanisms that you have and upon reflection, will understand that your coping is simply a means of dulling pain. If you begin to analyze what the pain is that you have that you are trying to kill, you will begin to identify responses that require updating. Again, these responses will be ones that are either being triggered or avoided, but the common factor that you will discover is that the way that you feel in the situations where those responses are triggered is not the way that the True Positive version of you would feel there.
In all of these situations, once you have identified a collection of feelings triggered by a cue that is not compatible with being your True Positive self you will thus decide to update the response. Once you understand how to do the updating, you will then be ready to do so and, as a result will be able to eliminate this source of limitation and discomfort from your life, and thus take one more step forward on the path of your self-transformation.
This approach, when applied on a consistent basis, will enable you to deal with your out-of-date discomfort. As a result, you will find yourself gradually more and more comfortable in more and more situations where previously you either were uncomfortable, or perhaps never even dared to be.
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